A sad week

Even as i'm typing this...The words that can come to my mind about what i'm feeling right now:-
1) sad
2) down
3) moody
4) emo
5) depressed

I don't know why i'm feeling like this. Ever since end of last week, these feelings hv been growing inside me. This feelings we made worse by the things i saw, things i heard, and things i observed...adding to the fact that my cell leader wasn't back during the weekend. I guess i really needed someone to listen to my problems, to just lend a ear. But yet in my heart i told myself i was not going to make someone waste their time listening to me. So i kept it inside.

Seeking for an alternative, i naturally thought of seeking God. I prayed, at times almost at the brink of crying but i held back my tears. When i think of everything, i just...felt so tired and fed up of everything. I just want to pour it out to God. SHE tried to comfort me, and it actually worked...but a few days after that i was back to this unexplainable feeling again.

I don't know whats wrong with me. Many people say i've changed. When i come to think of it, i think i've changed for the worse and not for the better. I've hurt so many peoples feelings unknowingly. I've been left out from my group of friends. Most of my kampar friends stay in west lake while i'm staying in east lake. Hearing their stories of them having fun the day before, sometimes make me envy them, wishing i could stay at west lake too. But the rental there prove too expensive.

They will be chatting with each other about what happened and i'll just be sitting there quietly listening, wishing i could be part of the conversation too. I don''t actually feel bad being left out, because i think that having God in my life beats being left out. Nowadays in uni i'll be alone most of the time because my so called good friends have made new friends and they do many activities together in westlake, so they more or less stick together with each other more often now.

I feel happy for them. (or do i?) The times when i'm alone, i would spend this time talking to God and just sort of entertain myself. I like being alone sometimes. But being alone sometimes also make me think of many things. There are quite a number of people i would like to say sorry to right now. I'm just so messed up, so confused. I don't know what to think right now. I don't even know if i'm typing sense. So to those who are reading this and don't understand where its getting to, i'm sorry. Even i don't know where i'm getting at.

Among my ipoh friends, to a certrain degree i do feel left out too. I don't know why. Maybe because i didn't go to form 6 and thus don't really have the same wavelengths with my friends who are in form 6. Or maybe its just because of the fact that i've came to kampar to study that i feel different. i feel like i'm in the way when a group of them are talking together.

At times i feel like being left alone but yet i don't want to be left alone. Something's missing, or in other words too many things are in my mind. Things that i just can't let go of. I really need God right now.

There are many more things i want to express. But i think this amount of crap is enough for today. I know things will clear up soon. =) TQ GOD

Tired, messed up & confused,
Esmond...