Boring but yet fruitful weekend =)

Last weekend i didn't plan to go back to Ipoh because most of my friends were in family camp and there was also no youth and 3rd service. But in the end i still went back after my father persuaded me to go back. The reason he gave for wanting me to go back is so that at least someone is at home, or in other words at least someone is at home with him. =) Although he didn't force me to go back, i still went back anyway, knowing that at least i can be there with him during the weekends since he only comes back during the weekends after a hectic working week.

So there i was, driving back to Ipoh on Friday from Kampar (my first time by the way), wasn't really nervous (dunno why), or anything...hmmm...maybe its because i prayed before starting the journey? Driving was known to be in the Goh family's genes anyway. My dad is a pro driver, can't say the same about my bro and sis though, they're close...but they're more of verging to the "crazy driver" category...keke...but they're good la, honest.

Me le, normal lo. I think i haven't unleash my true potential yet...keke. But anyway driving fast is never good (aside form getting you to a place a LITTLE earlier), so to all drivers, if you're REALLY not rushing, please be careful and don't speed.

Arriving home, i was wondering what i was going to do for the next two days and in the end, it ended up quite well. I managed to spend some much sought after time with my God, not forgetting going to the movies to watch G.I.JOE with my dad. Guess he knew i was bored anyway. => The movie was...well...interesting, quite good actually, considering many of those things are actually more possible than someone extending steel claws slashing people for fun.

I missed HER so much during the weekends, but on Sunday, seeing some of my friends in church, my mood kinda lifted up. I love all my friends, whether its in church or in uni. Being able to see them, makes me smile. =) God also reminded me that many of my friends and cell leaders have been praying for me while i was going through a bad patch just last week.

THANK YOU EVRYONE FOR YOUR PRAYERS!!! =)

Recently many of my friends are facing different kinds of problems. I've been hearing and seeing so much. I don't want my friends to be sad. If any of my friends have any problems, i'll always be there to lend a listening ear or even a helping hand. But if any of them don't want their problems to be known, i won't force them to tell either. What i'll be doing is PRAYING!

PRAYING is the easiest and most effective way to help my friends. It has done wonders for me (thanks to my wondeful God =) ) and i'm sure my prayers for my friends will be heard by God too. =)

THANK YOU GOD FOR HEALING ME AND I PRAY THAT MY FRIENDS WILL BE HEALED AND THAT THEY WILL BE ABLE TO EXPERIENCE YOU TOO! THANK YOU GOD! LOVE YOU...MUACKS =)

SORRY SORRY

This is a MV from a korean group named SUPER JUNIOR (or is it?) consisting of wat...10+- guys? Quite a nice MV. Although I don't know korean, I was kinda attracted to its rhythem and tempo, and quite a good choreography. At some point it sounded like an indian song...lol...and some of them look gay in the vid... XD! Hope you like it! =)

*p.s: wonder hw many sorry(s) they actually said...keke...hope they're not actually singing anything pervert or foul language...oops...

hint: for clear hearing, its best you pause my autoplay song first though. Sorry for the inconvinience. =)

A sad week

Even as i'm typing this...The words that can come to my mind about what i'm feeling right now:-
1) sad
2) down
3) moody
4) emo
5) depressed

I don't know why i'm feeling like this. Ever since end of last week, these feelings hv been growing inside me. This feelings we made worse by the things i saw, things i heard, and things i observed...adding to the fact that my cell leader wasn't back during the weekend. I guess i really needed someone to listen to my problems, to just lend a ear. But yet in my heart i told myself i was not going to make someone waste their time listening to me. So i kept it inside.

Seeking for an alternative, i naturally thought of seeking God. I prayed, at times almost at the brink of crying but i held back my tears. When i think of everything, i just...felt so tired and fed up of everything. I just want to pour it out to God. SHE tried to comfort me, and it actually worked...but a few days after that i was back to this unexplainable feeling again.

I don't know whats wrong with me. Many people say i've changed. When i come to think of it, i think i've changed for the worse and not for the better. I've hurt so many peoples feelings unknowingly. I've been left out from my group of friends. Most of my kampar friends stay in west lake while i'm staying in east lake. Hearing their stories of them having fun the day before, sometimes make me envy them, wishing i could stay at west lake too. But the rental there prove too expensive.

They will be chatting with each other about what happened and i'll just be sitting there quietly listening, wishing i could be part of the conversation too. I don''t actually feel bad being left out, because i think that having God in my life beats being left out. Nowadays in uni i'll be alone most of the time because my so called good friends have made new friends and they do many activities together in westlake, so they more or less stick together with each other more often now.

I feel happy for them. (or do i?) The times when i'm alone, i would spend this time talking to God and just sort of entertain myself. I like being alone sometimes. But being alone sometimes also make me think of many things. There are quite a number of people i would like to say sorry to right now. I'm just so messed up, so confused. I don't know what to think right now. I don't even know if i'm typing sense. So to those who are reading this and don't understand where its getting to, i'm sorry. Even i don't know where i'm getting at.

Among my ipoh friends, to a certrain degree i do feel left out too. I don't know why. Maybe because i didn't go to form 6 and thus don't really have the same wavelengths with my friends who are in form 6. Or maybe its just because of the fact that i've came to kampar to study that i feel different. i feel like i'm in the way when a group of them are talking together.

At times i feel like being left alone but yet i don't want to be left alone. Something's missing, or in other words too many things are in my mind. Things that i just can't let go of. I really need God right now.

There are many more things i want to express. But i think this amount of crap is enough for today. I know things will clear up soon. =) TQ GOD

Tired, messed up & confused,
Esmond...

Finally i was able to go online. Wednesday's heavy rain (i don't know how) somehow managed to sort of like destroy all the internet connections. I mean like, when i on the wireless, i can still detect, but when i try to connect, i just wasn't able to connect to the internet.

But today, i think its was God's blessing. When i woke up today, which was at about 9.05.32 a.m. , i didn't even think of starting up my laptop. This is mainly due to the reason that for the past two days my efforts to go online were in vain. I was like "oh, crap!". Well, i don't really know what made me on my laptop but somehow i did (habit i guess), and when i did actually on it, i was still slumber and blur.

It actually took me about 5 minutes or so to realise that everything (internet connection) was back to normal. I was so exited and quickly started to get busy clicking my pet. Sorry if i clicked u too hard Micky. =)

...was so into facebook (LOL) that i didn't realise how fast time has passed. One look at the clock and it was time for class. For everyones information i actually DID arrive to class late for about 15 mins+- because i thought i had lots of time and forgotten that i actually have to cycle to block B. =( Hate Fridays.

Don't know why le, on fridays, its especially hard to cycle to uni. The sun seems much brighter, the wind i have to cycle against seems more stronger, my legs seem to be weaker, and the other people around me seems to be more blur and dangerous(ARGGGHHH!!!). Hmm...maybe they're suffering from the same thing too...dunno lah.

I find that i like to think and ponder about many things whilst riding my bicycle, whether its to or from uni. Sometimes think of food, play, nonsense, crap, rubbish an mush more BS. Keke... Somehow thinking of these things helps me to realise many things, thing that i missed out throughout the entire day. When i think back, I do seem to be able to remember some details about some things that i didn't actually realise or observe at that point of time (HUH!?). If its something i forgot to do, i might end up regretting the whole half of the day. Not that regretting helps anyway. =)

Well...Oh yeah!!!. I forgot to thank God for this whole week and for everything too!...my presentationS, moodyness, ...etc. TQ God for everything!!! ^.^

Every Man - Casting Crowns (3rd song on my playlist)

I'm the man with all I've ever wanted
All the toys and playing games
I am the one who pours your coffee, corner booth each Saturday
I am your daughter's favorite teacher
I am the leader of the band
I sit behind you in the bleachers
I am every man

I'm the coach of every winning team and still a loser in my mind
I am the soldier in the airport facing giants one more time
I am the woman shamed and haunted by the cry of unborn life
I'm every broken man, nervous child, lonely wife

Is there hope for every man
A solid place where we can stand
In this dry and weary land
Is there hope for every man
Is there love that never dies
Is there peace in troubled times
Someone help me understand
Is there hope for every man

Seems there's just so many roads to travel, it's hard to tell where they will lead
My life is scarred and my dreams unraveled
Now I'm scared to take the leap
If I could find someone to follow who knows my pain and feels the weight
The uncertainty of my tomorrow, the guilt and pain of yesterday

Is there hope for every man
A solid place where we can stand
In this dry and weary land
Is there hope for every man
Is there love that never dies
Is there peace in troubled times
Someone help me understandIs there hope for every man

There is hope for every man
A solid place where we can stand
In this dry and weary land
There is hope for every man
There is Love that never dies
There is peace in troubled times
Will we help them understand?
Jesus is hope for every man

2 down, 1 more to go

Did 2 presentations today (10 August 2009), public speaking and computer studies presentation. The day started with me waking up late, mayb due to the overnight work and preparation for the presentation(s). Apparently it wasn't enough. The public speaking presentation, well, it didn't go as well as i wanted it to, but i guess that's what you get when you don't put in enough effort and practice in doing the presentation.

To all my group members, thank you all so much, you guys did your very very best, i'm so proud of all of you. If anyone is to blame, the person would be me. Starting late, insufficient practice and so on was mainly due to the lack of my time management. Not that i'm looking down on myself or whatever, come to think of it, its just ME.

As a group leader, leadership quality MUST be shown, and that was the exact thing that was BLARINGLY lacking. Just ask any of my group members, i'm sure they'll agree with you without a second thought. The sharing out of tasks and responsibilities weren't equal too. No one's to blame for that because its understandable that some have to go back during the weekends.

To all my group members, i'm sorry if things didn't turn out well. It was obvious that we could have done much better with a little more effort, just as said by ms.chuah. Don't feel depressed or sad or down ya. What's past is past. All i can say is that i'm sorry.

p.s: Thank you God so much for helping me and guiding me throughout this whole process of doing the talkshow and computer studies presentation. You have blessed and given me so much. What more could i ask for? What ever results that comes out, i'll just accept it. I know God has helped me plenty, once again its just me...hehe...I get what i deserve i guess. (A lesson learnt)

As for the computer studies presentation, once again, thank you everyone for their efforts in doing the report and poster. Everyone chipped in. The credit belongs to everyone. Me as the leader, have to say that i'm surprised on the cooperation gave by all of you (group members).

Even right now, before i go to bed, all i want to do is just place everything at God's feet, and rest in His arms. Next week is econs presentation. Better bark up. =) TQ GOD.

Who Am I (2nd song in my playlist)

Who am i
That the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurts

Who am i that the bright and morning stars
Whould choose to light the way
For my ever wondering heart

Not because of who i am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what i've done
But because of who You are
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapour in the wind
Still You Hear me when i'm calling
Lord You catch me when i'm falling
And You told me who i am
I am yours (x2)

Who am i
That the eyes that see our sins
Would look on me with with love
And watch me rise again
Who am i that the voice that calm the sea
Would call out through the rain And calm the storm in me

Not because of who i am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what i've done
But because of who You are
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapour in the wind
Still You Hear me when i'm calling
Lord You catch me when i'm falling
And You told me who i am
I am yours

A normal day...there must be more than this...

Thinking back of what happened this whole day (Thursday 6 August 2009), I have to say, it was kind of a wasted day for me. As usual, before the day started, I had many things I had in mind that i wanted to do, or in other words, achieve. But at the end of the day, I ended up wasting time and only doing things that are nessesary and appropriate at that moment of time. I felt like i've just wasted one whole day again. Sigh... I feel so useless and wasted. Today was such a beautiful day that God created just so that i can do many beautiful and wonderful things. but ended up wasting it. The spirit was willing, but the flesh was weak.

Upon reaching uni, the only thing i could think of was monday's talkshow. Me, as the public speaking group leader, of course naturally, had to bear certain amount of responsibilities. My whole way cycling to uni, all i was thinking was about how to make my talkshow a better one, a special one. I don't want it to be just something normal, i wanted to think out of the box. I was thinking so much that i almost ran over a cow dunk, or is it buffalo dunk? =) Well, I was kinda disappointed that i couldn't generate any creative ideas, and my group members were expecting something. So all i have to say is that i'm sorry. I'm not usually like that, but then don't know why leh, these few days also like this. Maybe its because I saw some pretty brilliant talkshow performances and i want to be better than them? Or maybe because I miss something or someone? I don't really know. I'm kinda confused now. To my group members, sorry if i sounded a little bit harsh. I know i demanded creativity and perfection. If i pushed any of you too hard, from the bottom of my heart, i'm sorry.

At about 8+- pm, as usual, i went to my church service after my last lecture which ends at 8. Of all days for my lecture to end at 8, THURSDAY, GOSH... the day that my church have a service in kampar, and i have to actually rush just to get there. Worst part is, cause of my late class, i don't get to serve, sad le. Playing guitar, drum, whatever also can la, i just want to serve my Lord. T.T I hope next sem won't be like this le. Well, I went there and had a quick dinner, then went to the service. My father was the one preaching...WOW...keke... Er, his topic was kinda deep. Something about murder? Haha... It was a very interesting topic in all though. Came back, was tired, but see now...i still end up at the table, writing this blog/post, and its already 1 something. Gosh, i didn't realise the time. Thank You God for today..."there must be more than this"...

In a single day

I'm tired...very tired...but on the other hand...i feel quite happy...yet sad at the same time...happy cause i know God's always there for me no matter what happens...leading me, guiding me, comforting me...thank you God...i LOVE You. The sad part...well...its kinda long story...but all this happened in just one day, which is today. Satan has been doing his works among ppl, his main purpose is to kill, steal and destroy. And MAN...has he been doing a hell of a good job. First, 2 of my friends misund each other and now they dun even talk, then, saw another friend of mine...kinda dejected...he doesn't show it but i noe he is...,then little david is hospitalized for high fever...and so on...sigh...when all of these things happen, the only thing dat comes to my mind is PRAYER...and so i prayed...i'm praying even while i'm typing this...i hv faith that God will answer my prayers...all things are possible with God. Satan might hv his fun now but in the end...he will fall...I hv always believed everything happens for a purpose...everything is part of God's wonderful and brilliant plan...to my bro's and sis in christ who are feeling down...just pray and surrender everything at God's feet. Find peace and rest in Him. All i hope for now is for everyone to be happy. I want to see everyone smile, not a fake smile of course. A smile from the heart. =) The bigger the better. I'll be praying for all of my friends. THANK YOU GOD FOR EVERYTHING. =)

I'M BACK

Finally, after months, or in other words 2 months of not blogging, i finally decided to blog again. Dunno why suddenly hv dis feeling le...mayb cause of influence by somebody?...dunno...blur. Just handed in 4 interesting yet hectic assignments. Econs, acc, computer studies and public speaking outline. Well, i didn't really have a hand in the econs and acc assignments, so to my group members who worked hard in finishing it, thank you all very very much. Phew, feel a little bit tired now but still dun feel like sleeping, cause of something, or some1...hehe...aha. Slept at 4 on friday attempting to finish the public speaking outline. Er, it wasn't actually an attempt, i did finish it by the way. Thank God so much for keeping me healthy and keep filling me with ideas on wat to use as points in my outline. Seeing only me and my friend, Jeff, did the outline, i feel kinda guilty not involving others in it. They were busy in other assignments anyway. So when everyones suppose to noe what "nonsense"(oops, sorry miss chuah) they're suppose to talk about before we even start writing the outline, no one knows anything except me and him. Even though i'm tired, but i noe God will help me in generating more ideas for wat to do during the talksow. All the best to me and my team le...i mean group. =) Life in utar so far...wellllllll...it has been a "wonderful" experience learning in a new environment, meeting new SORTS of ppl and so on, but the thing i'm proud of the most is how much i've grown in the Lord since i came here. Well, you do pray n talk to God more when things aren't going your way right...(keke)...so there i was...an innocent "small", "little" boy wondering what i should do next. Everyones seems to know me, thanks to someone, but i'm actually quite grateful for that. Well, i hope to noe each and everyone better as soon as possible. I'm not the very outgoing type you noe. So...bagi sikit masa la...I'm not shy, but...sometimes...malu a bit la...ERRRRRRRR...WHAT?...lol...dunno what i'm typing and thinking...I hv much much more to say, or in other words type...but oh...look at the time now...should be sleeping soon...TADA for nw...will continue my epic saga...hopefully soon...=)